How much is normal in a relationship


Love is the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also asks quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg asks this time how much jealousy is actually normal.

If jealousy dominates us, then it is too much. And if we don't feel it at all, it's too little.

There has to be a middle ground

Kathrin goes on a training course lasting several days. She says to her boyfriend Paul, "Don't worry, you know I'm faithful to you." Paul nods, "I'm not jealous at all anyway. Just drive." And Kathrin is secretly glad that she doesn't believe a word Paul says. Because if Paul was actually never even a little bit jealous, then she would be disappointed. Because wouldn't that mean he didn't care about her? Yes, she would even wonder if Paul didn't have a flirtation going on somewhere, or even more.

While we do not want to appear jealous under any circumstances, it pleases us when our:e partner: reacts a little bit jealous. Jealousy is to the model of our love relationships as fear of heights is to mountain climbing. Of course, we don't want to be overwhelmed and paralyzed by it. But we need it to remain mindful. Because even the best love relationship is never one hundred percent secure. Basically, jealousy is our love tsunami early warning system that accurately registers any tremors. Is there cause for concern? Are we no longer as close and securely connected to each other? Is our love clouded? Is it even so weakened that it is threatened by others?

Love changes everything

We become jealous when we think someone else has a greater closeness to our loved one than we do and we are gripped by a terrible fear of loss. We are adults, but now we feel weak and dependent like a child. Yet we usually do everything to go through life self-confident and independent. But when we love, we make ourselves dependent. And when we become attached to someone, we are emotionally dependent on that person. But because we all learned from our parents that we shouldn't be envious and jealous, we don't handle jealousy well.

Stupidly, the less we can express it openly to our partner, the more it takes hold of us. And those who only experienced bonds as very insecure as a child are more likely to react jealously. Too jealous. But if, for example, the partner: in has recently had an affair, jealousy is not excessive, but simply a sign that the:r betrayed partner: it does not yet feel secure again. So jealousy has a lot to do with commitment anxiety. And those who are never jealous unconsciously avoid the risk of entering into a deeper commitment in the first place.

What does "jealousy" actually mean exactly?

By the way, the word "jealousy" is first found in Luther's translation of the Bible, where it means "friendly envy, loving anger." From which the modern meaning "fierce effort for a good cause" has developed. For love life, this has given rise to "jealousy," where we understand "addiction" to mean both "morbid desire" and "seeking after, tracing after. So let's think of jealousy as "lovely anger" that we are perfectly allowed to show when the most important thing in our lives suddenly feels insecure. As long as the jealousy between us can be calmed, it is not too much. And as long as the sting of jealousy has an effect and makes us more desirable again in the eyes of our loved ones, it is not too little either.

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